today i've been thinking. no, sensing is, i suppose, more accurate.
a catalogue of that sensation?
well
[abbreviated] here it is:

the
scent of a santa fe rainfall that makes all attempts at secrecy in the sandwiched witching hours between the sweep of sleep and the fluttering open of eyelashes is in itself bewitching...up the mountain this morning-- no visiting soul here to share the space with me and my breathing its dank exhilaration ininin...just the shock of enormousness that the scurrying squirrels embody and the ferocity of the wind in the pines...sends me into a dream of a day in which magic isn't just possible but potent and positively present.
....into... a dance my body knew my heart needed...gratitude to kelle for providing the space...the beauty of being able to release and to
sound a "cuckadoodle doo" with chicken wings without a second thought.

texture in the kiss of fingertips to the blushing pink silk of a soul-sealed decision to
touch and cradle luxurious self-love-- a purchase that sent me spinning and skipping out the door of BODY into the storm-swept skies that sang with the rightness of it.

savoring a cup of the jamaican coffee oceanna and i roasted and treasured home with a story of a once upon a time old woman living at the misty edge of a concealed corner of the world-- the
taste robustly combusting and smoothing soothing simultaneously the tingling of my twittering tongue as we spent the afternoon creating transformations in the form of winged creatures.

swirls of
sights that dew-drop across the web of consciousness for the brief sparkle of a sunlit second...today was dripping with them, richly.
so much over which to wonder in this day.
so this is why i need to write it: because if i don't, it gets lost in the unattended storeroom of lost living. i have no choice but to tack the senses to some words to refeel-- to "taste life twice"
so charles bukowski asks:
so you want to be a writer?
and i answer "YES...BUT"
and the "BUT" is bigger than big because i question the impulse that tells me to take pen to paper, or fingertips to the rattatat tatting keys.
WHAT DRIVES ME?
to write these catalogues, to document fragments that seem small but scream in my psyche
to write them rather than to just release them-- evaporation.
or to think and rethink and reredoublethink them?
& i don't know the answer...
and
WHAT STOPS ME?
from writing these sensations into words
[that they seem inadequate bodies for such power?]
[that i haven't the courage to face them?]
[THAT I AM NOT REALLY A WRITER?]
oh it's over this worry that i fret and fuss and obsess and upon which i lean, my ever-excuse in my absurd vulnerability, exquisite in its embarassment of its lacks and holes
but this poem helps that.
not to spin out of control into tangles of "NOT GOOD ENOUGH"; but to trust the waves of gut-wrenching MUST in the writing of it when it arrives...and to not invest in the spaces in which it doesn't show up...
it's a place for patience.
i never thought about it that way.
so LISTEN:
so you want to be a writer?
by Charles Bukowski
if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.
don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.
when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.there is no other way.
and there never was.so to catalogue sensation that has spoken, sung, within a day or night or a limbo half-light. this is the starting place of the authenticity for me.
if i can trust myself, and my sensation, then i can be patient enough give the writer her voice when she is ROCKETING on the incisive edge of MURDER, when it is TRULY TIME, when she has BEEN CHOSEN.
until then, i'm just soaking in it, and soaking it in.